First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
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Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?