First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
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LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
He instantly became one of the bros
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Just as the prophecy foretold
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.