First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
You Might Also Like
Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
A rich person walking around like “oh my, where are my manors?”
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.