First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
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In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Super Hand Dog Face
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
