First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
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Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick
*eats only grass-fed donuts
There is no “we” in pizza
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”