Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house

The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…

Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?

Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.

Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.

thought for sure getting laid off was way more sexual

Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.

My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.

Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician

Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar

Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by

How do you end an argument with a woman?

Tell her to calm down.

You’re dead now but the argument is over.

Guy: what do you know about crypto

Me: that’s a DC villain, right?

Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.

student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.

Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.

Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.

Doctor: How your diet?

Me: My what now?

Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?

Blocking someone isn’t enough. I want their ibuprofen to always be on the highest shelf, and just out of reach.

Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol

The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed

Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.

*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact

I am crying

SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.

ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.

SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.

7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.

Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.

I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …

[Animal Shelter]

Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”

Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”

Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”

Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.

Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.