Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?

[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.

If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires

corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-

me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”

Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!

*Pulls out 10000 spoons*

My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.

April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.

Cheers!

I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.

*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*

If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.

Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?

It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.

therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will

me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl

therapist; that’s progress

me: haven’t tried flying yet

therapist: please don’t

me: you sound just like her

Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.

Me: First of all that’s an inmate.

Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?

Me: I’d use the elevators

Hiring Manager:

Me: Elevators, Sir.

A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.

Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.

Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.

I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.

Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy

*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*

I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.

Hey Fugeddaboutit

My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.

She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.

Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.

priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate

groom: can you please stop saying that

ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking

The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…

Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.

holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV

Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.

me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up