Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall

*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis

my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.

his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!

Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories

Me: Maybe you should start counting your days

I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde

The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners

Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.

Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise

My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first

[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady

Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.

I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.

If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.

Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.

For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.

The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.

We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”

I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀

Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?

Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?

Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.

[listening to twenty one pilots]

ME: ok ok one at a time

last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anyway

next year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner

the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit

the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.

I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.

[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”

ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick

If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV

Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.

I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.

I was born to run.