First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
So glad we cleared that up
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
