First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Rt to bother an English speaker
