First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
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therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
“I’m gonna leave the study room for a couple hours.”
“So another patron can use it?”
“No, my stuff’s in there.”
“So you’re not using it.”
“I am using it. For my stuff.”
“The rooms are for people, not stuff.”
“My stuff is an extension of me.”
“I should have gone to law school.”
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Couple goals
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.