First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
You Might Also Like
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?