First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
You Might Also Like
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Me in tagged photos
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
every man in east london
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*