First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
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So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses