First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
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me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.