First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.

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Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down


*knock knock* whos there? sir theres been an accident. theres been an accident who?


A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”


My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor


I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.


deviled eggs implies the existence of holy, Godded eggs


freezing my bottle of water so that when i go to the airport later i can get it through security because it’s technically not a liquid


Hi I’m here for my vasectomy.
“Would you like that toasted?”
“Haha whoops sorry, just came from my other job. Ok let’s do this.”


“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.