Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
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911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Her: *giggles* whoops you got a hair right there
Me (nervous she’s trying to clone me): give it back
Personally, I think Lance Armstrong should keep his trophies and awards.
Last time I rode a bike on drugs I ended up in my neighbors bushes
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!