First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
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Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Ah yes. The three genders
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.