First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
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squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Our lord and savoury.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.