First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
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10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault