*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
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@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
going to the ER y’all need anything
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes