Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.

*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell

Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?

Me: 37

My dad is in Hawaii for travel…

must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*

Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.

-I almost said Denver 🤦‍♀️

2022 be like

Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.

Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.

Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.

Therapist accidentally sent me her cat

Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.

Fibula: Silently plots revenge.

In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz

toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*

If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.

The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.

So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.

Pretty disappointed in them ever since though

[first date]

date: i’m an optimist

me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before

Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT

[at quick clinic]

Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?

Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.

[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]

funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?

employee: well every time i put his left leg in…

friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours

me: yeah so

friend: maybe u should turn it on

FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.

I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.

Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on

Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.

I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.

Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.

I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.

They’re all grounded.

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

You’re an adult. You can do what you want.

Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.

If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.

I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?

My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.