[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
You Might Also Like
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”