[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
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Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.