[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
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[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.