Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is antonym

ME: synonym

JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example

ME: *lips on mic* i-t

Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.

my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35

me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”

TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.

I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…

There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?

My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.

Have kids. It’s fun.

Them: Why are you late?

Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.

Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.

Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.

Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-

Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks

(Art Museum)

Me:*sees nature painting*

*pulls out sharpie*

*draws sun in the top left corner*

My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice

Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”

Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”

Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”

Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?

CUTE JOKE ALERT!

the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.

CUTE JOKE OVER!

Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.

If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer

Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”

Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams

Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.

Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.

I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.

Sometimes it’s in my bra.

[drive thru window]

toddler: can I say hi?

me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*

toddler: two milkshakes please

Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.

I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.

Me: Wanna have sex?

Wife: With you or in general?

Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways

Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?

Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.

So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.

People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.

I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!

if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka

there’s gotta be a better word for you people than cinephile

Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.