first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
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[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.
🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.