“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
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[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Where’s my employee discount too?
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
this is a sign that you need a union
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.