Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides

CAT 911: What’s your emer-

CAT: THE PERSON PET ME

CAT 911: What were you doing?

CAT: SLEEPING

CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE

CAT: I HATE PEOPLE

Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.

Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job

Always 🥴

[two astronauts in space station]

“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows

I see dead people.

No wait, I take that back.

I see people I want dead.

I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.

“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself

My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.

me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*

guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you

I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.

If feeling embarrassment at past actions means you’ve “grown as a person,” then I grow as a person about every 5 minutes

please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!

Still laughing at this stupid meme

Me: What did you learn about at school?

10-year-old: States.

Me: What did you learn about them?

10: That there’s too many.

Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“

Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.

The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.

Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…

ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter

Friend: I’m poly.

Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!

HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine

ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang

SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?

ME: I have no idea

Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been

Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.

Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!

Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?

Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.

My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?

just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened

I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.