First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
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Ok, but like, how married are you?
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
S/o to @funTweeters .
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.