@drinksmcgee

[First time ever having sex]

Her: So you just take this and slide it into this here. Are you ready?

*flashback to the 100s of hours I spent playing Tetris

Me: I was born ready.

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@WheelTod

[First Date]

Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.

Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*

@Chay_Raghu

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligees.

[Unfortunately,she was just coming home]

@Parentpains

Turn yoga class into hot yoga by chasing everyone around with a blow torch.

@MelvinofYork

My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me

@SondraDeeMe

[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.

@PanicRestroom

How to run faster:

1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start running

You’re welcome

@Brampersandon_

ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral