Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
[First time ever having sex]
Her: So you just take this and slide it into this here. Are you ready?
*flashback to the 100s of hours I spent playing Tetris
Me: I was born ready.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligees.
[Unfortunately,she was just coming home]
Turn yoga class into hot yoga by chasing everyone around with a blow torch.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start running
I’m a virgin but I have sex sometimes
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND *holds up a cat*