I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
You Might Also Like
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair