Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.

CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.

ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?

CEO: [under breath] Genius

Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.

She turns 15 on Sunday.

Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down

Doctor: What’s the problem?

Me: Our baby cries all night

Doctor: That’s quite normal

Baby: ALL NIGHT

Doctor: Holy shit

Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.

ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”

[La Brea Tarpits]

ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times

SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway

I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying

“You saw nothing.”

-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash

[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”

Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.

I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.

This made me chuckle.

Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”

Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.

Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life

Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing

How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…

Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake

Hitlers gonna hitl

My kids tell me I drink too much.

It’s funny they don’t make the connection.

I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”

I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.

Coworker: did you have a good weekend?

Me: obviously not since I came back to work.

her: can you pick up the house

me: *putting on back brace* I can try

me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?

moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.

Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:

Please stop.

Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.

Love,
M

Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan