Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.

I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.

In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.

There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.

Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.

Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety

don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels

Him: Why are you going in circles???

Me: I’m buffering!!!

Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.

When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”

[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?

I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!

I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving

“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”

Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.

Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend

Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”

My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.

Coffee: hi

Me: hey

*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*

If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.

In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.

DOC: We got your blood tests back

ME: Is it small pox like I thought?

DOC: No, it’s even worse

ME: What could be worse than small pox?

DOC: Big pox

ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it

Me: pretty much any name can be unisex

My son Stephanie: I hate you dad

Fluff me with a fork baby

I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.

I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.

“But you just went pee”

– A Family Vacation Memoir

Feel. He’s so soft.

Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones

son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!