Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:

a) that we were racing,

And more importantly,

b) that I won.

detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out

[ducks under the police tape]

detective: and get these ducks outta here

Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.

Me: Okay.

[30 minutes later]

Son: What keeps beeping??

Me: I have no idea

Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.

The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.

“You’re not like the other girls.”

“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”

discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer

If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.

I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.

[pumpkin patch]

Cinderella: how many miles on this one?

Farmer: please stop kicking them

6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.

Me: I don’t like your tone.

6: What does “tone” mean?

Me: I don’t like your voice.

6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.

I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.

Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…

Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.

My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.

Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.

Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty

Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.

I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.

Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff

Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan

If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.

[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat

On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”

why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials

ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.

[First Date]

Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?

Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.

[at the bank]

Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future

*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*

No thanks.