Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber

11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything

checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase

I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president

My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.

Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.

“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”

Brain: Magical!

when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf

Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess

I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no

Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer

Cop: Please get out of the vehicle

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.

MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.

ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.

Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?

Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.

How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?

My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.

Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’

Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’

Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.

Tonight’s parenting lesson:

If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.

I need a shower.

My husband and I are having a serious fight.

Do you think I should let him know about it?

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume

Me: Street magic

THERAPIST: What do you wish for?

WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things

ME: For the dog to talk

Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.

This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-

Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore

Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.

Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.

Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes

“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”

Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??

There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.