Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You: Say something good about 2020

Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.

Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too

How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.

We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption

Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”

We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.

Icarus loved hot wings.

Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me

Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work

closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad

the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.

Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.

STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST

1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy

*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*

“Not again.”

[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.

Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.

got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I didn’t floss?

DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-

Establish dominance over your children by whining louder

I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.

Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.

wife: what’s the house of your dreams?

me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.

wife:

me:

wife:

me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.

I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.

Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*

[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears*

*quarter falls out*

Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.

I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.

Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.

My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler

Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me

my life is ruined
i wish to live no more

never mind i found the remote.

Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.