First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
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the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening
Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car
wut hotdog?
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”