Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?

My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.

Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.

No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.

Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.

Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!

creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same

my proudest tweet

Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.

I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.

gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializing

father reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early

I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”

My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.

coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]

My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.

I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.

I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.

Me: I have no choice, there is no other way

*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*

If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”

I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me

My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.

and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?

McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back

Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!

*seductively peels off lederhosen

*turns on broadcast TV*

Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?

*sees Activia ad*

*sees Metamucil ad*

*sees Cialis ad*

I think I have the answer.

What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?

friend: want to go swimming?

me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no

i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related

Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.

The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.