I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
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FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
there are 2 (two) types of people in this world: those that wear their flannel shirt untucked and serial killers
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
she means break a leg..
Nobody expects you to throw a typewriter at them, that’s what makes it such a fun surprise
[Texting with husband]
Him: I hate when you correct me and make feel like an idiot. Your lucky I love you so much
Me: awwww *you’re
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Doctor: this might hurt a little bit
Doctor: i like you, but only as a friend
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly