me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
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“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
My boss told me to dress for the job I want, not the job I have. Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting in a Batman costume.
Cops: You were driving while intoxicated
Me: I was in no condition to walk
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Guys, I have to stop cyber-bullying North Korea. They called my mom.
I hate when my wife says her friend at work “got flowers again today” and I have to kill that chick’s husband.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
911: Placing you in protective custody.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.