@TheHatStore

[first time golfing]

caddy: which club would you like sir

me: do you have turkey

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@SkinnerSteven

I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…

-I popped the question

@FloridaMan__

FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA

@EyeSeeYou619

there are 2 (two) types of people in this world: those that wear their flannel shirt untucked and serial killers

@squirrel74wkgn

[standing outside in the rain]

*opens weather app*

Looks like rain today.

@mindflakes

Nobody expects you to throw a typewriter at them, that’s what makes it such a fun surprise

@divergentmama

[Texting with husband]

Him: I hate when you correct me and make feel like an idiot. Your lucky I love you so much

Me: awwww *you’re

@Reverend_Scott

WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?

GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what

@LaziestCanine

Doctor: this might hurt a little bit
Me: okay
Doctor: i like you, but only as a friend

@petfurniture

“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly