[first time golfing]

caddy: which club would you like sir

me: do you have turkey

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*doorbell rings*

me: go away I’m social distancing

voice: pizza delivery

me: *opens door*

COVID19: hehe, got’em


“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book


My boss told me to dress for the job I want, not the job I have. Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting in a Batman costume.


Cops: You were driving while intoxicated

Me: I was in no condition to walk


Me: I’m too scared to fly

Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash



Guys, I have to stop cyber-bullying North Korea. They called my mom.


I hate when my wife says her friend at work “got flowers again today” and I have to kill that chick’s husband.


If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?


911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
911: Placing you in protective custody.