[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
You Might Also Like
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
security at the airport getting more straightforward
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”