Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.

My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.

i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks

the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.

These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.

I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.

I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.

There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.

whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes

My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.

tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.

Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?

Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan

Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.

Me [on fire]: HOW

Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.

Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?

LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore

CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*

Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.

Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭

Airport security: no liquids on the plane

Me: ok *starts drinking it*

Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo

The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.

Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure

Bilbo: no

Gandalf: can i come in for tea

Bilbo: also no

Gandalf: dinner with my friends?

Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me

Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.

Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.

“love means never having to say you’re sorry”

“that is not what love means”

“sorry”