Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously

super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog

Them: What’s wrong with you?

Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*

I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.

All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.

Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.

Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!

DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.

Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind

Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages

Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?

So they could…..Scan da Navy in!

Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??

Note for writers:

If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.

[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music

Got my mate for secret Santa (guy who spends all his time grooming his beard, drinking whisky, oiling his beard, drinking beer, combing his beard, drinking coffee, and wearing novelty Star Wars clothing) and I’m stumped

I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.

Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.

“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja

Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”

Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.

Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2

Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower

Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name

But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?

Baby showers are so weird.

It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.

Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩

Coworker: …

Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?

What I said: No

What I meant: No

What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.

The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”

Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.

Sorry I said you and your husband look related.

[barbarians at the gate]

Me: I just need to let this song finish…

There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.