Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!

Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*

Them: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.

Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach

Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*

Me: … Than what?

Friend:

Me: Hello?

Voice on other end: Moo.

My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.

In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.

the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake

her: I like a confident man

me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire

How’s your Saturday going?

I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.

Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.

I passed with flying carpets.

I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.

Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.

Me: Do you have homework?

11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?

[Zombie Apocalypse]

Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: K

Mascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese

*dies*

Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.

i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum

Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.

A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.

I’ve had him about an hour now.

Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.

AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire

my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated

JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever

ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age

Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship

Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.

Friend: pollen?

Me: hipsters.

If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.

Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.

It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”

DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?

Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?

DM:

ME:hello…you there

NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?

My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus