[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
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They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard