first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
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That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…