first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
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55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
This will teach them to underestimate me
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.