[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
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Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Me: this would be better without the raisins in it
Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins
So sick of all these stupid rules
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
The best-selling postcard of all time depicted a man and a woman under a tree. The man, reading a book, says ‘Do you like Kipling?’ and the woman responds: ‘I don’t know, you naughty boy. I’ve never kippled’. It sold 6 million copies
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
What a website
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera