Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]

I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.

Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.

Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.

[city marathon]

ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?

RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS

ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?

I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.

If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…

The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer

Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?

My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…

~Only 15 more to go!!

So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??

Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.

Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.

A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.

The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.

Everybody just wants to get off…

….This elevator because that guy stinks

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.

F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.

Next day

F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.

Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.

LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away

*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks up

Nice.

I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?

The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.

I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.

i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt

Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor

Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?

Me: Yes, I do.

Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?

Me: I’m not sure.

Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!

Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran

The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that

Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!

Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.

[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule