[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
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– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
mandolin: finally a violin for men
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Don’t you hate it when you’re SO tired because it’s been SUCH a long week and then you look at the calendar and see that it is, in fact, only Monday?
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
4 calling birds sounds like a nightmare, I don’t want phone calls from 1 bird, much less 4.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird