[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
You Might Also Like
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
a space alien in another galaxy opens a mysterious letter from the earth. as soon as he opens it a bunch of glitter falls out onto the floor. he slowly looks over at his friend, “okay, i’ve had enough of this. get into your spaceship & go destroy that planet.”
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show