Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]

GOD: a rat dog

ANGEL: check

GOD: that whispers to white people

ANGEL: what?

GOD: about the weather

ANGEL:

ME: whose dog are you

DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL

ME: whose cat are you

CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH

If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?

Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.

computer: choose new password

math teacher: algebra

computer: password must contain numbers

math teacher: algebraXY

Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.

Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….

[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottle

Waiter: One ketchup coming up

ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog

*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*

Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…

My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.

If you love someone, let them go.

If they don’t come back, get a dog.

(McDonald’s bathroom)

*pulls away from kissing*

You’re better than my mirror at home

I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.

Quit 1/3 of the way through.

Ended up with a 2Pac.

HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*

He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.

oh u like history? name everything that happened

Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.

I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.

I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.

My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”

what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince

Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef

It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.

When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.

Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.

Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.

Hug your kids as often as possible.

They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock

If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.

My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident

This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…