*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
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Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
honestly, i need both:
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.