*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
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my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
guilty
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
gasoline
noun: mouthwash for dragons
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.