Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer

microwave: gonna cook it

me: no please. just defrost the chicken.

microwave: ok i’ll do both

I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.

Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps

Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no

me: Pop the champagne

you: Yay! What are we celebrating?

me: what

Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.

I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband

please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody

I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.

Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.

Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.

if you relate to me, get some help

Body by burrito

I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet

It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.

[building on fire]

ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary

CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday

ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION

In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store

the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know

[first date]

him: how do you feel about having children

me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours

Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here

Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad

Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself

I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.

I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating

If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.

Cauliflower: *ring ring*

Textiflower: *ping*

I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources

A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.

Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!

You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car