first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
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[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Saturday
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
waiter: I’ll be right back with your ticket
me: can you just let me go with a warning this time
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
A comic by Hugleikur Dagsson
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.