Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.

*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!

Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.

*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*

you guys headed down to the pawnshop?

[inventor of frisbee]

“I hate this plate”

I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”

[relaxing in my hammock reading a book]

“Hey kids! We need to clean your rooms…come get me in 15 minutes.”

And that’s how you buy yourself a whole lotta peace and quiet😎

My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”

Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.

My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that

me: i wonder what geese do at night

goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time

Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.

toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking

Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.

My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.

You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.

the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer

Animals…..

Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉

Him: My tummy feels crummy.

Me: Too much rummy, dummy.

When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.

My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!

My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!

it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries

[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week

Him: Sometimes I worry about you.

Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.

So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.

We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.

I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.

Me: How did my surgery go

Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear

Me:

Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off

*bedtime*

Me: What does Winnie sleep in?

10: Dad… no

Me: POOJAMAS!!

10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.

I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.

[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…