first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
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RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
You ever been to r/foodsafety? It’s literally just a hypochondriac circlejerk. Posts like “this chicken has been in a serving tray for 2 hours what do I do?” “Throw it out, it will kill your whole family!”
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.