[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
You Might Also Like
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
X-tra spooky blend
“SAY IT.”
“I’m a dirty little plant.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you to water me.”
“I’m gonna water you so hard.”
“That’s how I like it.”
You an Obituary liar.
That means you DEAD@$$ lying
good morning
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
If you’re not feeling the love from your kids, schedule a night out. As soon as you tell them a babysitter is coming they’ll suddenly remember they can’t live without you
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
I only eat vegetarians.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.