Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it

Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas

When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??

After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves

I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.

My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it

Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing

imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from

cop: do you know how fast you were going?

cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain

cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts

cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?

[at the club]

Me: I got the moves

Her: it’s “runs”

Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.

Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.

I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.

I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…

… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.

Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.

Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him

Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth

There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.

Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.

When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.

Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.

Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed

Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.

*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*

Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross

He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.

ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died

BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year

ME: yeah she’s a cat

Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.

maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]

Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?