[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.
