[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
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Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Me: [cracks open a can of beer]
Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?