Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.

So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.

You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.

a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people

Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people

Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.

Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*

The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,

The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off

I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.

Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*

Victim: why are you doing this?

Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol

Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early

Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.

If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.

Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.

Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.

WAITER: room for dessert?

ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here

I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.

The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change

I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.

*launders Kohls cash*

the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell

(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow

dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals

Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…

Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”

Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??

i hope this email finds you fast and furious

Always give 100%

unless you’re donating blood.