I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
You Might Also Like
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
the best thing i’ve ever made
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
#winning
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves