Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
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My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Automatic soap dispenser
Automatic paper towel dispenser
N O W T O U C H T H E D O O R H A N D L E
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore