Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.

My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.

Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.

Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever

General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet

It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.

What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?

If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.

Ducks don’t talk…

I threw a ball for my dog.

May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.

WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!

When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.

“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”

[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back

Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.

Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.

Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!

Date: What’s happening right n-

Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!

Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.

It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.

It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.

As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.

When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it

You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.

My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.

We are a joint family.

My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.

*puts cutlery down*

Sensei: you have learned much, my child

Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate

I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”

You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.

Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever

I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about