Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.

Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh

in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.

My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.

Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.

There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.

If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.

Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Wedding $600,000,000
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying

(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers

My work here is done

A friend had a new baby girl.

Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”

My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”

Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”

My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package

Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years

If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em

Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”

A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.

That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…

“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”

[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake

a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning

You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.

“dress for the job you want”

“ok!”

*shows up to work naked*

“what are you doing”

“i don’t want a job”

Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.

To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.

6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?

*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!