Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.

You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa

Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.

VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.

My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.

Mechanic said I blew a seal…

Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?

Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night

Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak

Wife: what no that wasn’t it

Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what

Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.

Friday the 13th used to mean something. Now every day is awful.

My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.

pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?

Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…

“Constant super-vision”

*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now

“Get in the van if you want to live.”

Creepy Terminator…

No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!

My summer body has been pending for about ten years

All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.

on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there

Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.

I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.

Same post same

It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile

Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…

Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.

Writer: No.

Disney: Just her mom?

Writer: No.

Disney: Her dad?

Writer: No.

Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?

Writer: Nobody dies!

Disney: Get out.

Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

They should do a Calculator App Wrapped where it shows you the dumbest calculations you did this year. Real moron stuff like 20% off 20, or 1×8, or 6+9

Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.

I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.

Husband: *snoring*

Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP

Husband: What the hell?

Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?

Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic