[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
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Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*