Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets bitten

*becomes shy shy

People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.

Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.

I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people

Every now and then someone comes into your life that just makes you wanna sweep the leg

According to my bank account, I’m Rich!

Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.

Me- Are you ready for school?
13- I don’t need school, I’m smarter than Shakespeare. Wait, was that a real guy?
Me- I’ll meet you in the car

When I was a kid I assumed all Christmas songs were about Jesus because that was all I was exposed to so everytime I heard Last Christmas I was like…why would Jesus do that

I hate elevators, they give me vertigo

I take many steps to avoid them

[putting on wedding dress]

me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake

maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that

Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it

Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here

me: i’ll have the mouse, please

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food

Why font matters.

Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!

My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.

Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do

Make it RAAAAIN!!

ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.

Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.

ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle

Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)

Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.

Me: That was fun! Fist me!

Him: What?!

Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*

Him: …..

“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.

Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.

God I hate these crossword puzzles

Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?

A ghost story

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes