Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bruh

Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.

You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:

Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet

I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them

why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.

husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking

All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.

The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.

I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat

Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”

My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”

Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.

Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.

I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be

“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”

They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.

People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’

My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard

No good deed goes unposted on social media.

me and my fake scenarios

At ease

I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song

A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.

A white American
White. American.

Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot

Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”

[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.

Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..

Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..

This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.

[My cooking show]

Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.

Kevin: *crying*

This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter

DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him

ME: cool

[later]

TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?

ME: yeah

TREE: cool just checkin