*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
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im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
$100/night hotel: hi. we have you for 3 nights. checkouts whenever. enjoy the 24 hour gym & pool that smell like chlorine & feet, respectively. unlimited breakfast – eat costco sausages til you die we dont care
$275/night hotel: OH, his royal highness expects FREE WIFI, does he?
With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
sure, why not
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
haha same
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.