*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
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Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
dude it’s called proctologist
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.