*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
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Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.